Prologue.
She wasn’t me.
tender blood cracking
dreaming
blurry memories
a story of a story
a distant dream
that wasn’t me.
Compete for space
breathe my air
taunt me
And then the pavement shivered white,
the apartment stayed cold.
All stored in a journal under my bed, waiting for the flowers to grow
again….
** ** **
The kitchen floor behind me held a girl’s body.
That girl is gone now,
a ghost in the memories of a lost night
buried,
but never forgotten.
These walls have memories I cannot bear to access.
They shout with voices and pain.
This story starts in the middle.
** ** **
It all kept piling on.
Higher
harder
faster-
coming at her.
Time punched a left and a right.
Another blow
to the stomach,
a kick to the gut
a fist to her face…..
** ** **
She did not know what it was about.
His familiar face emerged
spiteful words
lost
Disguised by the sounds of the room.
He could have said anything. She felt herself
shatter.
stop stop stop. enough.
– she cried weakly, but only to herself.
Alone.
The oppression of hot air
compressed her breaking heart.
His invisible attacks scraped her tender insides.
Where are you? Help me.
She felt crushing air steal her breath.
** ** **
Fresh, frigid winds shockwaved through her lungs.
Outside was white, cold, wet.
Streetlights flashed , streaking across the rain-stained windows of the cab.
Tear b l u r r e d vision.
** ** **
Home
in the bright white shiny bathroom,
a stranger’s tear-stained face stared back through the mirror with bleary, drunken eyes. The mirrored cabinet door swung opened while a hand clumsily scrambled for the capsules by the sink.
She was searching for sleep and for peace.
Dark kitchen, wood floor.
Falling body.
** ** **
He found her on the floor.
** ** **
The next day
blended and faded.
Covered in blankets, surrounded by pillows
she sat
half awake
on the deep purple couch.
She slept again….
Blankness. Empty stares. Half lids. Glazed eyes.
The
floor
approached
in
slow
motion. Her body jerked on impact,
she felt nothing.
** ** **
The storm
approached quietly or she never saw it coming.
Until
she felt herself fighting her way through.
With hands tied she lashed out with spiteful, angry words.
Shrieking at the ceilings, the floors, at everything that
trapped her.
She could never escape herself. And so
she turned her daggers on him.
** ** **
He pushed back.
She wobbled, then crashed forward.
She had been
fall
i
n
g
for the past three months and his last little shove sent her to the bottom of her
hole.
She had let herself fall.
Dazed.
She cried for help.
The cops arrived.
He left.
She slept some more.
** ** **
He returned home.
A pervasive dark cloud hung throughout the rooms of the apartment. It covered their lives with false words, booze, pills, hatred and an electrified fog. She could hardly breathe or see. Each footstep produced a crackle of flying sparks in the thick, tense air.
Each sentence further tangled the mess.
(Interlude)
You see
fear
anger
and
lonliness
transplanted
in a new city.
The wet, empty streets
flooded with tears.
You see
a girl
falling
and
a man
who doesn’t know
what to do.
They love
each other.
They
hurt.
** ** **
Another cab; this time to a friend’s house where she slept some more.
She recounted what little she could piece together of those murky hours.
Still buried.
She didn’t know what she was saying,
surrounded by emotionless walls, in a temporary home.
In desperation she scheduled an appointment.
** ** **
She waited in small, brown, carpeted room before entering.
A large window blasted painful sunlight.
She squinted at the silhouette of a strange
woman that stood between her
and the clear skies.
She tried her best to explain
but her muffled thoughts mixed in the foreign air creating a new story in the stranger’s ear.
The woman thought she was helping when she called the ambulance.
** ** **
A wall of unarmed bodies captured her
in the trap
she’d unknowingly set for herself.
She panicked with fear-tingled desperation.
Please. Please please no no no.
You don’t understand. . NO! NO! NO!
They took her away.
** ** **
Herded through immaculate hallways
into room after room.
Papers, security guards, doctors, men, women,
nurses with needles
tested and prodded;
shoelaces, belts, pens, phone, and wallet taken.
They watched her with constant guarded eyes.
Hours passed.
Each minute washed up each tear.
Under buzzing florescent lights held between scuffed white walls
she faded,
drifting down endless haunted passages,
hallways, doorways.
She vanished.
Epilogue.
On a crisp spring morning, just before the heat of summer has set, the brisk air flushes my checks and chills your rough knuckles. We dig into the dark ground, hands filthy with fertile soil. Exposed to the air after a long winter, the rich earth faces it’s fragile skin into the sunshine.
Side by side we place seeds deep into the ground,
working to grow this garden
together.